“Should” is a simple auxiliary verb that the vast majority of us will use multiple times daily. We often tend to use “should” when we are critical of something or someone: “He should have kept the dog on the leash.” Other times, we use it to motivate ourselves or others: “You should leave now before traffic gets bad.” Used sparingly, “should” can act as encouragement to get us through challenging moments. However, things can quickly spiral out of control when we overuse “should” to the point that it makes us feel like we can’t do anything right.

‍What are “should statements?”

“Should statements” are essentially thoughts that define what we think we or others ought to do in any given situation. They can sometimes become automatic and something we are unaware of when we use them. When we consistently and habitually use “should statements,” we engage in a “cognitive distortion,” which is a faulty pattern of thinking that decreases our well-being, fuels our anxiousness, and makes us feel bad about ourselves or others. “Should statements” don’t necessarily seem like faulty patterns of thinking when we form them, however, when we set an expectation without clearly defining it or making sure it is realistic, such statements can cause us to feel inadequate, shameful, and disappointed. This is especially so in the workplace.

Examples of “should statements” in the workplace

• “I should be able to meet every deadline without feeling so stressed… I am an adult after all”

• “I should’ve been more meticulous when drafting up the presentation”
• “I should be better at my work-life balance”
• “I should have done a better job at the conference”
• “I should have brought an umbrella today… now everyone will think I look unprofessional”

Addressing “should statements”

Since “should statements” often arise automatically in our minds, it is important to become more aware of them and recognize their presence throughout our day-to-day lives. After we become aware of moments where we would normally use a “should statement,” we can challenge the statement with realistic, positive language. Let us try this on our previous examples.

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• “I will work on managing my stress levels while trying to meet my deadlines. I am an adult now, but I can seek out help if I am still struggling”
• “My last presentation was not up to my standards… I will be sure to be more meticulous with the next one”
• “Work-life balance has been pretty difficult lately. I will spend more time doing things that make me happy when I am not at work”
• “This conference did not go very well, but sometimes things happen. I will work on doing a better job for next time”
• “Wow I am so soaked from the rain, but that is okay. I am sure I can laugh about it with everyone and I’ll remember to bring an umbrella next time.”

By changing our “should statements” into realistic and positive statements, we take pressure off of ourselves and open our minds to a hopeful future. Like other cognitive distortions, “should statements” need to be recognized in order to be dealt with. Try to be mindful of moments when you are more likely to engage in “should statements” and try to challenge such statements with positivity and reality.

All of us will experience cognitive distortions like “should statements” from time to time, but for some of us, cognitive distortions can be a terribly hard habit to break. In situations like this, challenging cognitive distortions can require the help of a mental health professional. If you find yourself experiencing difficult cognitive distortions, our therapists at Pacific CBT are here to help! Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute video consultation.

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